sigh*. so much for my dream. well.. i tried to ask my mom if i could get my matrix traded for a new honda civic si.. but she gave me the whole talk about the life struggles and it just made me feel like all teary eyed and freakin weird. basically this is me.. " heart so heavy, eye's bout to burst, and all i'm telling myself is.. " - " just dream.. that's all you can do. you'll never get what you want." It sucks.. so much.. it makes me wanna go bad.. and see what they do to me. like.. my brother is all doing all this worldly things and my parents dont yell at him.. dont say nothing to him.. just let him do what he wants.. y? because he's done with college and he's a nurse and he has all the money in the world and he can do whatever he wants? or because he gives money to my mom every paycheck so they shouldnt get him mad so that he wont stop giving..? ugh.. i dont know.. maybe i'm being selfish.. but.. sigh*.. i dont know.. for some reason.. i feel like just crying right now. everything is just so hurtful.. my birthday is coming up soon. right now.. all i want.. is just the car of my dreams. this is really cheezy.. but hey.. you dont like what i'm saying.. dont read. you can stop here.
anyways.. school is actually doing ok. i really felt good about my midterms.. because i know i did well. everything i studied came out. i wish i was done in school already. so i can go out and live in another state. i'll jst send my parents money so i can give them help. i hate it.. so much.. i'm home all the time. i cant go out.. when i go out.. i'm like timed or something.. i have to go home at a certain time. they're always scared i'm gonna fail.. i'm gonna fail. maybe i shud jst fail and get it over with and die. it's pointless.. whatever efforts i give it aint good enough. i want to do it for myself.. but i want to be happy too. i really miss my brother.. it's so not the same anymore.. i want to tell him how i feel.. but i knoe he'll just disregard it. he cares more about his ex gf's family and his ex gf's brother and sisters more than me. his own brother. i wanna ask him for help to get my car.. but i know he's gonna say.. " man.. dont get it.. you dont got the money to back it up with." my heart feels so heavy right now.. full of sad and melancholy emotions. i dont wanna tell lyza but i knoe she's bound to find out about this neways. and she's gonna inspect me.. " what's wrong? what's going on?" and then she's gonna give me a talk. but at least with her.. i can dream.. and somehow it feels real. that's why when i graduate from college.. if i cud.. i'd jst want her to be there.. because i did it.. for me.. and for her. and then we'll get married and get away from everything.. i really dont care nemore. my brother wants to go out and smoke and drink.. so be it. i dont want to affiliate myself with him nemore. i'm tired of trying.. it's pointless.. countless times i tried.. so much.. to see if he's gonna change.. ugh.. i dont know.. what i'm saying or doing.. maybe i'm just so emtionally stressed and hurt right now.. i just want to be happy. i want the car of my dreams.. my old brother.. my family.. sigh*. i'm sorrie.
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