i should just try to go win the lottery or somethin.

sigh*. so much for my dream. well.. i tried to ask my mom if i could get my matrix traded for a new honda civic si.. but she gave me the whole talk about the life struggles and it just made me feel like all teary eyed and freakin weird. basically this is me.. " heart so heavy, eye's bout to burst, and all i'm telling myself is.. " - " just dream.. that's all you can do. you'll never get what you want." It sucks.. so much.. it makes me wanna go bad.. and see what they do to me. like.. my brother is all doing all this worldly things and my parents dont yell at him.. dont say nothing to him.. just let him do what he wants.. y? because he's done with college and he's a nurse and he has all the money in the world and he can do whatever he wants? or because he gives money to my mom every paycheck so they shouldnt get him mad so that he wont stop giving..? ugh.. i dont know.. maybe i'm being selfish.. but.. sigh*.. i dont know.. for some reason.. i feel like just crying right now. everything is just so hurtful.. my birthday is coming up soon. right now.. all i want.. is just the car of my dreams. this is really cheezy.. but hey.. you dont like what i'm saying.. dont read. you can stop here.

anyways.. school is actually doing ok. i really felt good about my midterms.. because i know i did well. everything i studied came out. i wish i was done in school already. so i can go out and live in another state. i'll jst send my parents money so i can give them help. i hate it.. so much.. i'm home all the time. i cant go out.. when i go out.. i'm like timed or something.. i have to go home at a certain time. they're always scared i'm gonna fail.. i'm gonna fail. maybe i shud jst fail and get it over with and die. it's pointless.. whatever efforts i give it aint good enough. i want to do it for myself.. but i want to be happy too. i really miss my brother.. it's so not the same anymore.. i want to tell him how i feel.. but i knoe he'll just disregard it. he cares more about his ex gf's family and his ex gf's brother and sisters more than me. his own brother. i wanna ask him for help to get my car.. but i know he's gonna say.. " man.. dont get it.. you dont got the money to back it up with." my heart feels so heavy right now.. full of sad and melancholy emotions. i dont wanna tell lyza but i knoe she's bound to find out about this neways. and she's gonna inspect me.. " what's wrong? what's going on?" and then she's gonna give me a talk. but at least with her.. i can dream.. and somehow it feels real. that's why when i graduate from college.. if i cud.. i'd jst want her to be there.. because i did it.. for me.. and for her. and then we'll get married and get away from everything.. i really dont care nemore. my brother wants to go out and smoke and drink.. so be it. i dont want to affiliate myself with him nemore. i'm tired of trying.. it's pointless.. countless times i tried.. so much.. to see if he's gonna change.. ugh.. i dont know.. what i'm saying or doing.. maybe i'm just so emtionally stressed and hurt right now.. i just want to be happy. i want the car of my dreams.. my old brother.. my family.. sigh*. i'm sorrie.

i want a car the way i want it.

ok.. this is what's been going on my mind. ever since i started driving, i've always wanted to get a fast car or at least a stick shift car. i guess it's in our nature as guys to do that. so from recent happenings like me getting to drive my friend lloyd's honda civic si and getting a ride of my life with Kuya paul's s2000 just really made me think a lot of what car i should look into to trade for my matrix. at first i was excited about the matrix, i mean it's a good car and it does the job.. but it doesnt give me the feel of having the speed. i know all these reasons are selfish, but hey.. this is my thoughts. neways.. now, i really want to get a lancer evolution VII, VIII, or IX. when i got home i actually went online looking for phone numbers of dealerships to ask them if the lancer evolution IX MR version is still on the market for sale brand new. because of course as much as possible i want to experience what's it's like to have a brand new car. my brother, man... it just sucks.. like he got to choose his own car. he got his xb manual drive and brand new. on the other hand, i 've been getting all the hand me down cars from him. from the mazda, to the camry, the solara, and whatever else was left. then my solara got damaged and cost too much to fix it so my parents decided to trade it in for a automatic matrix XR. once again i'm not saying the car is bad but i really wanted a stick shift car. my parents wouldnt let me cuz they think i cant handle it. I hate when i get understimated of what i can do or cant do. sigh*. so now.. i guess i gotta do things and make my dream happen in my own hands. this is my plan; when this semester finishes and by january.. i'm going to speak to my boss because i want to work full time hours. 5 days a week 2-10. i dont care.. i'm going to save money enough for a downpayment plus the trade in of my matrix XR. i'm shooting to save up up to 5,000 dollars. i know this may sound crazy, but over the years of experience of wanting things.. i have proven to accomplished every single impossible things to happen because of my wanting to get it. people who know me know's what i'm talking about. so hopefully, nxt year i will be able to find the car that i really want. which is the lancer evolution IX MR. i dont care what year.. it's good. i dont want the new one's that are coming out for 2008. i wanna keep it original form since it started. it will be seriously a dream come true. i already invision myself driving the car pulling up newhere.. and of course i dont want to get this car just to be cool. ohhhh no no no.. i want to get it for the love of the car and want of having it. when i do get one, it will never be ever sold or trade in. it's going to be a keeper for a life. i wish i had all the money in the world so i can just go to a dealer right now.



I love you alyzzah nicole.


- jeff.

MY WIFEY"S 19!!!

well today.. is my wifey's 19th birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! mwuaH! i love you.. and ya we went out to eat.. and it was awesome..i got her a cake. and i was happy and she was too.. and we sang to her and she blew the candles..hehe.. she tortured me laughing and made a video of it.. and we played hide and seek and i won! haha.. and i was her slave for the day. hehe.. and umm.. yea.. tomorrow were going to go out again to shop for her birthday present! yay! i love you mama! last year of your teenage hood! haha..

school is school and i dont like it. i wish it would be only for a day. gosh..


family.. eh.. getting ok i guess.. i jst miss my brother.. a lot. but it's aite.. i pray that God will touch his heart.. and he will get burned more for CHRIST. and bring the woman that he loves to the kingdom of God.

I need to finish school asap. so i can help my mom and dad and so that they can retire now and just relax and sleep. i knoe that they would love to do that.. sigh*..


ima go make some ramen.. it's cold and i love it. b-ball practice tomorrow.. we lost 2wice now. we gotta get a win. it will all change nxt game. gosh.. hehe.. chao ya'll!

Originality.

3 years and 11 months suckers!!!
She wrote everything below for me because I'm her butterfly!

FACTUALITY - BY MY WIFEY (LYZA!)
She tells the world that she’s got her one & only
moving beyond the hype but takin it slowly
her heart spins fast, rewinds, takes in the beat,
as her pair of eyes go across the room & meet
that fire that keeps her burning, the heat that keeps returning,
and in her mind she's like "damnnn!"
she dances to the melody of his heart
breathing in,
taking in,
obsessing in all she could ever hold

and release.
her hands start shaking now,
he's getting closer now,
& all that happens is in the now,
& NOW they're in a world none other than their own

they be living happy now,
she's feeling in the love now
& “now” doesn’t matter unless it’s with “forever”

He stares, glares, and whispers words of a
Woman he calls his own
"she's mine, she's mine"
because there weren't any other lady as fine,
as divine,
as gifted to travel between the aspects of space and time
to shine as brightly, to smile as lively,
to defy pace so timely

just as she did.
so now they be tellin people that they got their one and only,
its always two and never solely,
their smiles up and never lowly,
living beyond your typical love story. Word.

*********

Embrace - By my wifey (LYZA!)
My love -- i cant promise happy endings
but i can give you what's everlasting
the road we're on has the factuality
of twists and turns but who said we
wouldn't make it through?
joy, laughter, love, and tears
mixed with the superfluous rage of
dynamic emotion -- now tell me exactly
what we haven't conquered.

love -- God knows how much I love you
not even a month
a day
a week
a split-second of the time it takes for one's life to change dramatically with the substantial difficulty of overcoming fear
goes by that i don't
think about you,
dream about you,
or even ponder the overflowing ways exactly what i love about you.
LOVE -- it's not infatuation
but the determination of my admiration
given up with elaboration to speak these words through your mental
Feelings too true to be spoken in word
but strong enough to fill your heart with
that joy,
that love,
that overwhelming fascination of romance
that only your eyes can define which finds a way into my soul that grabs me deep to interwine that same being.
LOVE -- it's the passion that keeps us going on this road unknowingly headed to the light of one's existance.
to love,
to feel love,
to be in love is all in between our affair, the affectionate attachment that is so highly shared between you, me, and God.
you've got me speakin words out of my mind that i can no longer contain because with your very essence i breathe all of you into me.
love is what we embrace.
love is what we embrace.
the most simplest matters of the world is
living in us,
breathing in us,
spreading in us,
because in this world cold of isolation and death we carry something made of truth, of loyalty, of something so fond to our likings that within the simple transformation of ourselves
WE
MAKE
IT
BEAUTIFUL.
& it's all in love baby.
love is what WE
embrace.